loneliness
ˈləʊnlɪnɪs/
noun
- 1.sadness because one has no friends or company.
"feelings of depression and loneliness"
- 2.(of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation.
"the loneliness of the farm"A week full of friends and joy but when the door closes and everyone leaves there is only loneliness. An empty room filled with hopes and dreams of one alone self. Is there a place where you don't feel alone? Is there a place that you can really call home?Is there a place and time that you will be here with me again?This makes me wonder, is there the perfect place? Because when I was in Brazil I was feeling Londoness, now that I'm in London I'm feeling loneliness.
Starting a new life from scratch sounds like fun, sounds like the perfect escape from all your problems and torments, then you realize that your life was build bit by bit since you were young and you always had your parents by your side, until you made friends, until you had a boyfriend, until you broke up with this boyfriend and you had your friends and family to support you.
Now, I'm doing bit by bit but when I come home I don't have my family by my side to fill the void, on the weekends not always I have my friends by my side to fill the void, boyfriends it's even worst you may have them (that beautiful 3 seconds of your life) then you break up and you don't have your family nor your friends by your side to fill the void.
It's only YOU! You have to be enough... But not feeling enough was one of the reasons that brought me here. I was looking for something, I found this something but I lost something else!
I hate this Lion King quote "It's the circle of life" because it seems to me that the circle of life is: want something, achieve something, be happy about that but lose something else and be sad about it, until you set a new goal that you try to achieve, be happy, be sad and look for something new...
And I wish I had the strenght to keep searching new things, even more keep fighting to achieve the ones I first wanted. It's not that I don't start... Well I'm here, ain't I?... But then I lose my faith to continue and finish. And I usually lose the faith in me and my capabilities because I feel alone!
Back to this subject again. There is no one to enjoy the ride with me, there is no one to say good job, there is no one to share experiences with, there is no one to come back home to,I don't have you... and I'm probably not being fair about it!
I have my brazilian friends and my family that message me, I have my friends here that also message me (specially one that message me everyday: How are you doing today? Because he already knows me). But that's when I need to be very clear I miss someone to according Lilly Allen "watch tv and eat chinese" or in my case "Netflix and pizza".Someone that plans amazing dates at amazing places... I miss you!
Probably what I want to say in these days full of hormone, loneliness and love is that takes me a lot of streght to keep going when everything is in place and working! But when everything is out of order and I have to use my strenght to restrain myself of talking to you, I'm left with nothing to keep going!
This weekend I saw a tv series (which I shouldn't have cause it didn't help me) - 13 reason why. And there is this song that says everything I wish I could say to you because I know I will stop feeling lonely when I forget you and open space for me to be enough again.
Please Laura... Listen you need to take care of yourself, instead of thinking about someone that doesn't even care.
I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met
And then I can tell myself
What the hell I'm supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you
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